i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
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I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
I like long walks away from everyone
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.