Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
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Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
LA today: