Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
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Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
A bold strategy
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
is frankincense just very honest incense?
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.