[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
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Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
#NoRestForTheWicked
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island