Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
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How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?