Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
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my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.