Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
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this is literally a CIA plant
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Good morning, Twitter x
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
NOT all policemen are strippers.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.