When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
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A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Pass gas, not judgment.
cry laughing at this shit
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
and now we wait
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.