When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
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Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
🙂🐾
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.