Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
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SCARY COSTUME
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.