What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
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Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
My first child will be named New Folder.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest