I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
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Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
i smell a pulitzer
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I’m not wrong
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.