My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
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how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.