My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
You Might Also Like
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Just say no
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
*jazz hands*