Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
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Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.