[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
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Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
🤣✨#caturday
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?