Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
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OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.