Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
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Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Need this in my life lol
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
damn he’s good
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*