[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
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Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.