Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
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*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
😂😂😂
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???