At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
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He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
and this one
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.