Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
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Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
not seeing the problem
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”