If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
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I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Vodka burrito was a success
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Still cracks me up
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.