[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
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I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
They must have gotten it to go.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.