Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
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Wise advice
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore