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Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
when nothing goes right… go left
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
listen closely
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.