Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
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My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂