[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
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When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Ah yes. The three genders
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.