When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
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Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
My last name is Zilla.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.