A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions