They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
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I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Dolls on drugs
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Your honor these allegations are
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster