After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
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Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’