I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
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“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.