Weirdos gonna weird.
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me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.