I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
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Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.