[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
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[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
nobody’s gonna understand
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.