Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
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Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
i wish i could marry a nap
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Not helping
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line