When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
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that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Steam Forums
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Monica just destroyed the internet
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.