Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
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MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Meow?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”