On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
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[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Worth a try
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*