you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
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If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
I am never leaving this website
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes