Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
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He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine