Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
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Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Before crowbars crows drank alone
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once