me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
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me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex