My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
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Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.