British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
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What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.