Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
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Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Woke up against my better judgment again
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow