The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
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I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Check your privilege
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Super Hand Dog Face
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.