Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
You Might Also Like
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*