We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
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This was my dad’s browser history.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!